


Let Your Colors Bleed and Blend With Mine

by blak_cat



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 18:00:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5507450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blak_cat/pseuds/blak_cat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fear doesn't have to be solitary. Aftermath of the battle for the rogue, the rebel, and the Jedi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Your Colors Bleed and Blend With Mine

She hadn’t noticed how cold it had been until the door sealed shut behind her and the cold wind crackling through the trees was suddenly silenced. She was aware she was sweating, hair matted to her forehead and temples and her clothes suddenly sticky. She’d felt this before, everyday of her life. But it was different now. She was shivering. That was new. 

Chewie was growling, dropping Finn on the bench and she cringed, watching him wince, eyes still closed, as his back hit the seat. She stepped toward him, but more growls from the cockpit summoned her forward and she kept eyes on him as she dropped into the co-pilot seat and quickly began flipping the switches and angling the shield. Her hands were shaking, and the lightsaber was still glued to the hand it landed in moments ago. She wanted to drop it, she needed to drop it to put in the calculations for lightspeed. But her hands were shaking hard and she gripped until her knuckles lost all color. 

Behind her BB-8 was chirping and she spared a quick glance to see him poking and prodding random parts of Finn and buzzing off numbers as he catalogued vital signs. She turned back to the consul and hit one final button on Chewie’s command before space around her warped and they were steadily on the move. 

She bolted out of her seat to Finn’s side, only able to drop the lightsaber when she filled the cold gap with his hand. 

_I know how to run without you holding my hand!_

Maybe she didn’t after all. 

BB-8 purred a bit and rolled away. He was hurt, she could smell the burnt leather of the jacket and the rancid smell beneath that meant his skin was charred. Despite the violence of the wound and the overt stink, he was surprisingly peaceful. The only thing moving was his chest, up and down, up and down. The rest of him was still and slack, his hand didn’t know hers was there.

“You’ll be alright,” she whispered with a nod. An extra tear or two dropped and she viciously wiped them away. She felt another shiver as Chewie moved past her but when he returned something soft and heavy had been placed on her shoulders. With her free hand she pulled the blanket closer to her neck and nodded a thank you to him. 

The lightsaber sat ominously on the table, like it was watching her. It clinked as it rolled slightly with a bump of turbulence before settling again and Rey might have mistaken it for thunder. It was sitting at the back of her mind like a buzzdroid, latched on tight. And worse than that, she could _feel_ it, like it was still in her hand, whispering to her. She thought of the visions and turned away, back at Finn, where everything made sense. 

Except it didn’t. 

He was hurt, his eyes were closed, his smile gone, the tight grip he used on her hand was absent. Nothing was the way it should be. And even with the blanket, she couldn’t stop shivering. The heat of Jakku, for once, felt too far away.

Chewie asked if she was okay, asked if she was hurt, asked what happened to Finn. 

“Fine. I’m fine.” 

She wanted to be there for him, knew that he lost his oldest friend. But she was in so many places at once. Her hand in Finn’s, the lightsaber just beyond her back, the fading feeling of Ren’s hulking presence, and the images of Han Solo dropping down, down. Was she having trouble breathing? 

_The ways of the Force…_

She closed her eyes. 

_The light, it’s always been there…_

She focused on her hand in Finn’s, on how soft his fingers were without callouses hidden beneath a suit. She found his breathing pattern in the air and matched her own, in and out. She stretched herself far enough to feel the tranquility inside his head, it was still as evening sand. No wind, no footsteps. He was still. She pulled out and back. 

Well, that was new. 

It was all new. The inside of Ren’s head had been like sifting through tar, Finn’s was a lake. And all she could picture was the island in the ocean. But she was calm again. She was still shaking, but breathing. 

It was a start.

\---

They wheeled Finn away, shouting medical jargon back and forth and she heard one say something about a heartbeat. Next, everyone rushed to the pilots, hugging each other, throwing strong pats on the back. A celebration she was not a part of nor invited to. She was on the outside of it all, of a victory that wasn’t hers. The base, the First Order, the only win she had she couldn’t even explain. The only person who might understand was psychotic and a murderer. Was that it for her then to? Was that what the Force wanted from her?

That’s when she saw the general and she knew without asking: she knew Han was gone. 

The hug she saw coming too. Something about her energy was calming to Rey, enveloping and warm. It didn’t sit static like en exhibit as Finn’s had, it interacted with hers openly, like shaking hands somewhere in their heads. 

Of course. She was just as much a child of Darth Vader as Luke had been, if the stories were true. And the inside of Ren's mind told her they were. But this was the other side. Anakin.

“So you’re the girl I’ve heard so much about,” she said. 

Where have we heard that before? Oh right. 

“Apparently everyone thinks they know more about me than I do.” 

She hadn’t meant it to be so sharp, but she felt the adrenaline wearing off and her legs start to ache. Her hands were shaking again and that lightsaber was getting heavier and heavier in her fist. 

“I meant no offense,” she said calmly. 

Rey shrunk just a bit.

“Finn wouldn’t stop saying your name.” 

Her throat tightened. This day couldn’t get worse. The general was now eying the lightsaber in her right hand, her expression unreadable. The kept her eyes on it when she said: 

“We should talk.” 

\---

They avoided the cantina. But they could hear the din of it from the office they sat in. The general was quiet, pouring out tea and plating some food and Rey, for the first time, felt the emptiness of her stomach complain now that it knew food was on the way. 

She was still holding the lightsaber. 

“How long has it been since you’ve eaten?” she asked. 

Rey shrugged and tried not to look eager at the plate as it was set in front of her. She kept her composure as she lifted a hand and bit into the fruit. She counted to ten in her head before she let herself take another bite. She repeated the process three times under the general’s now amused eyes before finally setting the food down and giving her rumbling stomach the chance to relax as it rumbled at the new additions. 

“Where did you get that?” she said, nodding to Rey’s right hand.

And just like that, the anxiety was back. The eyes of the lightsaber were focused on her, somewhere Ren was searching for her with his mind, she could feel the vibrations in the air, sensed Finn only down the hallway and that calm pond. She saw in her head General Organa move to cross her legs seconds before she did it. 

“What’s happening to me?” Rey asked, trying to disguise the croak in her voice but it shook. She was a lost leaf in the wind, far from home.

Any trace of seriousness left the general’s face as she leaned forward with softer eyes and placed a hand over the one gone white with grip. It relaxed, but the rest of her didn’t follow. There was a buzzing somewhere far away and she got a picture in her head of Finn in the medical bay. 

“When I was growing up,” General Organa said. “I used to see things, dream about things I shouldn’t be able to, I knew I had a brother somewhere far away, a part of me missing. I saw things just before they happened, falling vases or rain before it fell. It scared me.” 

Rey nodded and swallowed, feeling her eyes go warm and the vision begin to blur. 

“It can be terrifying,” she said. 

Her hand was warm over Rey’s and the longer it lingered, the looser her fingers became until suddenly it was another hand in her own. The second hand she ever held was different than Finn’s, more calloused, older, and she felt ripples in the air. And it made her crave Finn’s, crave his smile, and crave the only person she wanted to be talking about this with. 

“But you’re not alone.” 

That got a few tears loose as Rey blinked and dropped her face, attempting to hide it. 

“Luke told me once I’d learn to use the power as he did,” she said. “And you will too. It seems big and wide, make it small, singular. Focus on one thing. Just for now--the world is only one thing.” 

Finn. She focused on him. She saw him in the med bay, asleep and sound beneath equipment that beeped and droids mending his back. She felt the dreamless peace inside his head and pictured the still pound he was seeing. She felt his breathing from where she sat and kept her eyes closed as General Organa whispered a promise to help. 

\---

She spent days by Finn’s side after the pieces of the map came together and Leia had turned to look at her, speaking without words or even the Force. 

_You will go._

There were plenty of pilots volunteering in the room, some officers suggesting Leia herself go. But her eyes were on Rey as they shared something in the crowded room. And she felt it in her chest. She was _meant_ to go. And like all the other feelings, this one she could not explain. But the general felt it too and was sure of it in her eyes, and that gave her a little bit of courage. 

She tried talking to Finn about it, the medics said he might be able to hear her, it might even help him wake up, get some synapses firing. But nothing came of her endless rambles, trying to explain the feelings she was having, the way she’d communicated with the air around the lightsaber until it was in her own hand, the way Ren’s mind had opened to her. 

“So, you’re the girlfriend,” said a male voice behind her. 

She turned around with furrowed brow to see a man, one hip cocked to the side, a smirk on his face. She knew he was Poe Dameron from afar, and now, up close, he felt like _Poe Dameron_. He exuded charisma, energy she could feel, but not interact with the way she did with Leia’s. Perhaps that’s how you could tell. She was different from them all. 

_You will feel the Force surrounding people, some are stronger than others._

Poe could not feel the Force as she did, but it hovered around him, just as it hovered over the medics, and the other pilots. _Its energy, surrounds us…_ Whose voice had that been? 

“Girlfriend?” 

She finally had the presence of mind to realize she should be offended. 

“Testing the waters,” he said with a shrug. 

He sat down without invitation next to her. She ignored the hum inside his head and thought of Kylo Ren. His thoughts weren’t hers to know, even if she could feel his touch of black and ice lingering around Poe. He’d interrogated him too. 

“He talked about you a lot.” 

“So I’ve heard.”

“And here you are. Three days now?” 

“He is my friend.” 

Poe was smiling, genuinely now, though something flickered like a twinkle at the crinkles of his eyes. Someone else who thought they knew something about her she did not. 

“Well, _whatever_ he is to you, I’m glad to see you care about him,” he said. “It might break his heart to find you off with some pilot while he slept.” 

She wanted to be ruffled by what he said, by the insinuation, but she found a softness hiding under his voice. And his eyes were kind as he looked down at Finn’s slow moving chest. 

“You care about him too,” she said. 

“I do,” he nodded. “Not like you.” 

She didn’t chase that statement and they sat in silence for quite some time. By the time they were being shuffled out of the room for the night, they settled in the cantina and traded flight stories over the first laughs Rey had in over a week. 

\---

She thought the day she left would feel less heavy as she looked at Finn. It felt like giving up. She’d overheard them, despite their attempt to be quiet: the longer he slept, the less likely it was he would wake up. The wound on his back was healed, but his head thought he was still in danger, not an easy fix. Once or twice she wondered, just for a moment, what would happen if she chased the allure of Finn’s mind. Would she find him there? Could she wake him? 

It would be an abuse. Just as she might have felt, it was no different than trying to get her way the same as Ren. 

Her enemy now, she supposed. That seemed to be what all this was a bout, training, learning to use her gifts, to challenge Ren, to protect herself from Ren, to protect others from him. He was become her opposite, her night sky, the far side of the moon. He was black ink in her dreams. 

“I have to go,” she whispered to Finn. “I’m sorry.” 

She wouldn’t be there when he woke up-- _when_ he woke up. But she thought she might have left some of the feeling lingering there, for him to catch, whether or not the Force was strong around him. She’d _make_ it so, if just for a moment. It had to obey.

"No one's ever come back for me before," she smiled softly. 

She'd thought it in the moment she hugged him, but was too afraid to see the pity in his eyes. She didn't want pity, just him. So she whispered it now and hoped he knew it wherever he was, far away.

She believed what she said, they’d meet again. It might never be the same as it was, she might know and feel and think things she never understood and he might become some captain or general. But she’d never forget the first person to hold her hand, that would stay with her, so it could never change. And some part of him was reaching for her, she felt it. 

But something stronger was calling her. She couldn't stop seeing that island in the ocean. Ever since Ren dredged it up and out of her head, it was everywhere. Something about it was pressing, insistent. _It's calling to you. Just let it in..._

She focused on the controls, the intricacies of piloting. She was making the world just one thing, as she moved farther and farther from Finn. The world was this cockpit and Chewie's nervous energy and that island in the ocean. The lightsaber was in her bag and for once it seemed still, calm, watching her with tired eyes. Maybe it knew it was going home or perhaps calmed down from finally from battle. And Ren was far, far away. 

She didn't know what to think when she finally saw her island and ocean before her own, real eyes. Had she known all along? She saw images of herself, watching as a small girl cried to the sky. There was something in the middle, connecting these two thoughts. Perhaps she would find it with Luke, on the island. In the energy of this old Jedi temple. And as she began her ascent up the ancient stairs she heard someone whisper in her ear again:

_These are your first steps._

**Author's Note:**

> I've never broken down so fast to write a fic for a fandom before. But here we are. I need more Star Wars in my life and I especially need more Finn/Rey (nothing against Finn/Poe but I was hooked on this one from the moment she clocked him with the staff). This is a two shot and the next one will be Finn's pov. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Song in title/chapters: Crystals -- Of Monsters and Men


End file.
